Master-Millie's 2nd Page

Only in America

1. Only in America..... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

9. Only in America...... do we use the word politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label

instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion]

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". As sure as night follows the day .....]

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope]

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". [As opposed to what?]

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".[I gotta admit, I'm curious].

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH]

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]

14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

You might be a Jedi redneck if...

Rednecks are not limited to Earth. They exist all across the galaxy, in many different forms. One example is Luke Skywalker, who must have been a redneck because he fell in love with his sister, Leia. But surely he isn't the only Jedi Knight who happens to be a redneck. So if you suspect the local Jedi of being a redneck, here's a few ways to tell.

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.

You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

More than half the droids you own don't function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.

You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.

The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

Alright... if you're from New Mexico, you'll understand these.. but if not, you still might get a kick.

This sums up our existence in NM....

Top 50 ways people from other states can tell you are from New Mexico:

1. You say Vato or nada at least 15 times a day.
2. You drive over speed bumps sideways.
3. Your rims run over pedestrians on the sidewalk.
4. You think Mesilla Valley Mall (Las Cruces) is the place to be, when you're in college.
5. The reason you picked NMSU is a little town called Juarez.
6. Drink and Drown Baby!! (See #5)
7. You eat chili for breakfast.
8. You eat chili for lunch.
9. You eat chili for dinner.
10. A trip home isn't complete without telling a uniformed officer you are an American citizen.
11. Indian gaming isn't recreation, it's a way of life.
12. You know where Roswell is, and let everybody from out of state know it!
13. You have an airbrushed T-shirt with Our Lady of Guadalupe on it.
14. You have at least four T-shirts that have "In loving memory" on the back.
15. If you slow down when driving past a "Sonic Drive-In", then debate whether or not it is juvenile to go around.
16. You have a child that is half your age.
17. You've memorized the phone number to the nearest "Pizza Pros."
18. You could pinpoint every scene in the movie "Truth or Consequences."
19. When the Santa Fe scene comes on in the movie "Twins," you keep looking for yourself in the background at the plaza.
20. You drive to other states to see professional sports teams, and no, the Scorpions and Slam don't count.
21. You say "y'all" just to confuse people.
22. Your license plate has a chrome chain border.
23. You drink Arizona iced tea because you're jealous.
24. Hey, at least we're not from Texas!!
25. It isn't just dust in "The Land of Enchantment."
26. You get sunburned and wind burned in the same hour.
27. Hell, who needs Disneyland when you have the New Mexico State Fair?
28. You have no problem spelling Albuquerque and are proud of it.
29. You find yourself speaking Spanish despite being as white as the day is long.
30. You can tell when somebody on a reservation has a birthday when they get to ride in the front of the truck.
31. You are completely amazed by any kind of greenery on the side of a road.
32. The only national monument on your mind is White Sands.
33. If all your seasons combine into one: Windter
34. You know the actual translation of "Cerveza mas fina": a good time.
35. Oh yeah, did I mention you eat a lot of Chile, just a reminder.
36. You swear there is a guy living down the road who goes by the name Jose Cuervo.
37. On your 18th birthday you buy a lottery scratcher and a pack of cigarettes, just to be cool.
38. You spend half your paycheck on those damn scratchers you got addicted to on your 18th birthday.
39. You measure distances in time.
40. You get a peso back in some change and you become bound and determined to use it as American currency.
41. You set sail with Captain Morgan at least twice a week, even though you live in the desert.
42. You are Taco Bell's best customer. Two words, "Viva Gorditas!!."
43. Everyday you thank God that you're not farther south, you know what I mean, El Paso.
44. Your roommate won't let you talk during Taco Bell commercials with that little Chihuahua.
45. You know that you should have bought stock in that damn orange construction barrel business. (That goes double for all the Ruidosoans!)
46. Christmas isn't complete without sandwich bags and candles.
47. You leave your Christmas lights on your house year round and you aren't afraid to use them on the Fourth of July.
48. The population of your town is 3:1, prisoners to citizens.
49.You can't tell time.

50.You've been evactuated at least once this year because of forest fires...
51. Lake Powell is nothing, the Butte is where it's at!
52. Still, every time you pass Elephant Butte lake, you laugh at the "Inn at The Butte" sign.

53. You didn't notice that there are in fact more than fifty things listed here...